You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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