They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
