The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
