Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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