I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
