Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
