Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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