Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
