Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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