While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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