I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
