apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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