I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
