Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
