Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
