I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
