i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
