I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
