I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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