Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
