don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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