My liver just broke up with me...
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
