Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
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