She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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