I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
