I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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