Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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