I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
