So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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