Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
