I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
