Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
