i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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