He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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