I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
