3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
