so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
