I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
