Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
