It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
