Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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