thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
A bitchslap is in order.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
