I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
