woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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