You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
