he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
