We're facebook friends in real life
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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