when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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