i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
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