arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
