I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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