I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize