Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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