I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
