Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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