Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
