The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
