You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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